


We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when

by GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-16 00:22:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8079586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver/pseuds/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver
Summary: Title from Vera Lynn, We'll meet again I don't own these characters. Prompt: Your thoughts on how river and twelve will meet again?This was supposed to be an one shot. However, things got out of hang. Therefore there will be two chapters. Hope you enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Hybrid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hybrid/gifts).



> Title from Vera Lynn, We'll meet again 
> 
> I don't own these characters. 
> 
> Prompt: Your thoughts on how river and twelve will meet again?
> 
> This was supposed to be an one shot. However, things got out of hang. Therefore there will be two chapters. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

He is not crying. No, that is something he never does! Crying, he feels is absolutely pointless seeing as it cannot change the past, present or future. He doesn't live in a romantic dream world where when his tears fell, they sparkle and have the power to resurrect his dead wife. No, he lives in a cruel turbulent world where love eventually dissipated, leaving nothing but pain and sorrow. He lives in a world where eventually everybody died, but he lives, cursed to remember forever.  

However, the Doctor feels immensely sad. There is a dull sinking feeling in his chest.  As if his hearts had been ripped out, leaving black holes in it's place. They are slowly sucking everything in, until eventually one day, there will be nothing left. The sadness is most prominent. However, it was one feeling in a cocktail of many. He feels absolute fury that she'd been snatched away from her.  Also, rather sheepish as well. All he'd had to do was abstain from loving River Song! In fact, loving her was fine. He could have at least done the right thing for once and love her silently or lament his love for her from a far. But no. He _had_ to be near her. He knew very well that those he loved always suffered from his callous, cruel and cowardly ways. That if he truly loved someone, that he should spare them and save the, from himself. He knew, yet let her suffer.  

How despicable and cruel of him!  

 He desperately misses her inappropriate flirting and ridiculous space her. He misses the way she laughs and her warmth. With River gone, he has no desire to travel at all. All he wants to do was sit in the TARDIS and let the outside world forget about his existence whilst he perpetually mourns over the loss of River.  

It was ironic, that he almost laughs. A harsh and cold sound leaves his mouth and it was rather short lived. River's hearts would break to see him in this state. She would loathe herself for allowing him to love her. She would tell him to move on. To find a pretty lady and forget her. He closes his eyes and remembered the day she told him first to move on.  

 

 

 _Day 20_ _of 24 years in_ _Darillium_  

 _Surprisingly_ _, it didn't take long for_ _River to get used to the Doctor. He'd worried that she would be repulsed by his wrinkles. T_ _hat she'd get annoyed by_ _his cantankerous personality._ _T_ _hat_ _she'd desperately miss the young goofy him who didn't have angry eyebrows. However, after the first night, she assured him that she loved him regardless._ _And she showed him. She laughed at the jokes he didn't mean to make. She flirted and looked at him as if he was worth so much more than gold,_  

 _However, it took him long_ _to_ _get used to being around his wife. If he were frank, he'd never spent much linear time with her before, so being with her without the prospect of any of them leaving soon was rather frightening. He was ashamed to admit that during the four days they had had together, he had learnt so much more about her than he had ever known._  

 _Previously, he knew the basics about her. She was an_ _archaeologist_ _and she took great pleasure in flirting. She could be rather handy with a gun, albeit scary. However, there were so many subtle things that he was oblivious to. For instance,_ _he did not know that she liked her tea without sugar or milk. He had no idea she was an avid reader and that secretly liked a good romance. He was completely bemused that words on a page stringed into sentences had the power to make the fierce River Song's eyes water._  

 _So instead of_ _spending time telling her about what he'd been up too, he_ _indul_ _ged_ _in watching her every move. She was rather graceful and beautiful and he found himself loving her more. However, eventually River had clocked on what he was doing._  

 _"Sweetie," she said over dinner. "It's funny just that our roles are reversed. When I was doing my doctorate, I studied you. However, now it is the other way around,"_  

 _He gaped at her. Opened his mouth to respond but found that he couldn't. She laughed – her laugh made him feel warm inside. It was soft – the way clouds would feel – and rich like honey. "Not that I mind. Though I'd prefer of you didn't just watch. There is so much more we_ _could be doing._ _I could teach you a thing or two,"_  

 _The Doctor gulped and she smile_ _d_ _satisfied._  

 _"I am just noticing a lot about you. There is so much I didn't know about you and the more I watch you, the more beautiful you are. I mean, as in the way you carry yourself and go about things,_ _" he forced out. The words left throat dry and_ _he averted his eyes from her gaze._ _Ordinarily, he would never have said something like that out loud. However, now he realised that they both needed to be transparent to each other. He needed tp wear his hearts on his sleeves and she needed to stop hiding the damage._  

 _She smiled at him. He'd never said anything so honest to her. He revelled in the fact that for the first time ever, her smile was not a façade. It was not an attempt to veil her hurt and it was not half hearted. "It is so weird, all this linear time._ _" She sighed heavily. Never had her relationship with the Doctor felt so real. Before, when they were_ _gallivanting_ _around time and_ _space, it merely felt like fallacy. As if she had merely imagined them together in her head. She was still learning how to break down the walls she had erected between them and it was a difficult task. There were times where she wanted to say something of meaning and the words would stick to her throat like_ _phlegm_ _and she'd instead say something airy and flirty that didn't do her feelings justice. However, now, she felt more encouraged seeing as he was putting in effort too._  

 _"I wake up in the middle of the nights some times to check that you are still there... to make sure... you haven't ran away," she admitted. He frowns and attempts to talk but she holds up a palm. "I am so used to everyone I love leaving me. I am so used you not wanting me-"_  

 _"I want you!" He protested._  

 _"Yes, I bet in many ways,"_ _she replied salaciously._  

 _"River!" He said sternly._  

 _"I … I just... I feel like you walked blindly into this twenty four years. Like I am keeping captive and you're too nice to tell me you want to leave,"_  

 _He frowned. He thought that he'd redeemed himself and showed her that he loved her. He hadn't realized that she was so insecure. "Look at my eyebrows. They aren't capable of nice If I wanted to leave you, I wouldn't care for_ _propriety_ _and manners. I would go. But I don't want to leave you. You... I lo- You are the light of my life and without you, I will be in perpetual darkness,"_  

 _River winced, obviously finding no comfort in his words. "Please... please whatever happens, move on. Don't wallow in pity. Just forget me. Find someone else. Someone special. That shouldn't be too hard for someone dashing like you. Please just forget me and move on. If you don't, I'd never forgive myself and I'd never forgive you," she pleaded._  

 _All the Doctor could do was look at her helplessly. He could never forget her. Move on, there was a possibility that he'd one day be able to. One day in the very distant future. Though he'd never love another like he loved her. Even still,_ _forgetting her was completely beyond him._  

 

 

 

He nervously waits at their door uncharacteristically fiddling with his fingers. He'd never really been nervous with his regeneration. His norm was grumpiness. He holds his breathe as the door swings open.  

He stares at the lady who opens the door, being incredibly still as to not startle her. She looks at him with calculating and suspicious eyes, quite like her daughter would. He tries to avoid her gaze by staring at his shoes but he finds that he cannot pull his eyes away. Her ginger hair is just as long as he remembered, only now, silvery grey strands have started to appear here and there. Her brown eyes are still as kind, however, around them are wrinkles.  

They continue to remain silent. She looks at him in a peculiar way. As if to say that he is someone that she is certain she remembers, but she isn't sure where she met him. Or... maybe, she isn't sure that he can exist? All of a sudden, she breaks out in smile. It is warm and inviting. She launches forward and embraces him – in the process, nearly pushing both of them to the ground. 

"Get of me!" He says as he pushes her of him. "I don't do hugs!" Though instead of sounding stern as he intended, he sounds almost like a petulant child who is not getting their way.   

"Don't be so stupid!" She laughs and she pulls him into another hug. One which he doesn't resist, in slight fear that she may pinch him. Still as stubborn and  Scottish as ever. Still, despite a distinct change in appearance, she was Amelia Pond. The girl who waited.  

"Amy!" Rory calls and he walks towards the door. He is bemused to find his wife hugging another man. No, hug doesn't cut it – she is squeezing him so hard that Rory is certain that the air is being coerced out of his lungs. "Amy, why are you torturing the poor man?"  

Amy mutters something inaudible and Rory readies himself to peel her off the man. Jealousy, like the monster it is, starts to rumble in his stomach. Though he doesn't articulate it, he is wondering if his wife is having an affair and whether he needs to punch the daylights out of the old man holding on to his wife. However, the thought dissipates as soon it is formed. He trusts his wife and knows that she loves him very much. Rory decides to wait and carefully observes the man. His eyebrows are rather prominent. His dress sense is rather striking too. One could easily mistake the man for a magician. Also, is the vortex manipulator on his wrist. With a pang, he remembers the day he borrowed one from his daughter who he didn't know he was there father off. He hadn't been much of a dad to her after, because he found such difficulty wrapping his head over the fact that she was their little Melody that he didn't get to lavish with attention, love and gifts. However, he desperately missed her.  

Suddenly, everything makes sense in an odd sort of way. Weird dress sense and vortex manipulator. "It's you, isn't it?"  

"How did you know?" The Doctor asks. Rory and Amy stare at him in disbelief before laughing heavily. They know that he is different now, but they did not envisage that he would have a Scottish accent. It is rather weird and comical.  

"The vortex manipulator," Rory replies. Ah, the Doctor thinks. He found it on the TARDIS and in the spur of the moment, decided to visit his long lost old friends. Her parents. Perhaps that would bring him solace, he thought. He indeed wad feeling lighter than ever. However, the part of his skin where the vortex manipulator is, burns.  

Amy lets go of the Doctor and Rory hugs him too. Though Rory's hug is a lot more brief.  

"When you regenerated, where you missing me?" Amy asks with a blatant smirk. He frowns and Rory invites him in.  

 

* 

"Why after all this time?" Rory beats Amy to asking the question that is hanging in plain sight.  

He sighs heavily. He knew that they would ask the question and that when they did, he wouldn't allow himself to concoct feeble lies. However, he hadn't considered how heavy the truth would be. It felt like lead compressing his lungs.  

"I... I missed you guys," he starts. His voice raspy. Amy gets up and leaves the room. In less than a minute, she is back with a glass of water. He drinks it silently.  

When he is finished, she says, "We know you missed us. You missed us from the word go. Yet, this is the first time you are visiting. So what happened?" She tilts her head and frowns slightly trying to work out the answer to the question she asked him. Suddenly it hits her. River is not with him. Her heart aches slightly at the realisation because she was so happy to see her old friend that she didn't even cast a thought to her daughter. She loved her daughter so much. Of course she did. However, if she were frank, she was robbed of the opportunity to be a mother. Therefore, most of the times, she saw River Song as an autonomous and independent being so she didn't worry about her as much as she did about her friend.  

"Where is River? What has happened to her?" Amy asks. Her frown deepens when he remains silent.  

"Doctor, tell me!" She demands. She sounds rather much like a kid on the edge of pulling a tantrum. He would have laugh, but given the circumstance, he sits there solemnly.  

The Doctor takes a deep breath in and tell her. He tells her everything, after all, there are no longer any spoilers. He confesses that she died to save him. That he knew that all the times to follow. That at first, he refrained from loving her by callous words and appearing not to care. However, he eventually succumbed to temptation and indulged in loving her. Or so he thought, because the River Song he met before Darillium was adamant that she was unloved. He told them every detail – apart from what they got up to behind closed doors – despite Amy's whimpers and Rory's white knuckles and tight fist.  

When he at last finished, Amy was crying into her palms and Rory's face was the definition of absolute distraught. The Doctor cursed himself. All he did was bring misery everywhere he went.  

"She... she … River told me once that it would kill her... it would kill her the day she met you and you had no idea who she was. She never knew it would kill her literally as well as metaphorically," says Rory shakily. 

"I am sorry," The Doctor says.  

"She ...left the world ...thinking that everyone she loved... didn't love her back," Amy blurted out in between sobs. "My goodbye.... my last words... were for her to look after you. … I didn't... I didn't … tell her I loved her..." She looks up. Red eyes sparkling with tears. "D-Did...did you?"  

The Doctor feels the air leave his lungs completely. An urge to cry and break down just like Amy, overcomes him. However, he doesn't. He cannot bring himself to say 'No' so he nods his head instead. That is when Amy really loses it and starts breaking things. Even after Darillium where she confessed that she felt unloved, he hadn't managed to find the three words she wanted to hear the most. He tried to tell her just as much and he thinks that she knew what he was really trying to say. However, River Song did not get an 'I love you.' 

"Get out!" Amy yells at him. "Please go... and never... never return,"  

Rory hugs her, in an attempt to stop her throwing a vase at the Doctor. "Calm down," he says, stroking her hair. "Doctor, don't leave," Amy tries to pull away from her husband at that, but his hold is too strong. He hold her for what feels like an eternity, and whispers quietly into her ears. The Doctor watches on helplessly. He watches, feeling like absolute shit.  

When Amy settles, she sits down and glares at the Doctor. "Find her. If not her, than her ghost. And tell her. Tell her how much you love her. How much we love her. God help you if you don't!" 

"I'm sorry," The Doctor says. Amy softens a bit and Rory nods solemnly.  

"It is just really a shock." Rory admits. "We never got to see her grow up and we left her pretty much to her own devices and now she is dead. There is a lot that we are guilty about. A lot we regret. We don't blame you. Not really. And you are welcomed back her. As long as the next time you come, you have found her and told her what Amy said." 

He leaves shortly after. His heart heavier than when he entered. However, he now knows what he must do. For both his and River's sake. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for taking ages.
> 
> What happened was that last week Monday, I started university. The week prior, I was packing up my things and preparing to leave and start a new life. Then last week, I was getting used to my new environment and as my Uni had freshers week and lectures together, it was rather intense and so I have not had any time to write.

_H_ _e used to tell himself as a mantra: never cowardly or cruel. However, with River Song, he had been both those things. He first realised this when he came clean that he could indeed see and hear her_ _. He'd deprived her of love for so long for no good reason. Just because he was scared of dealing with the consequences of love and loss. She was probably scared too. Scared and perplexed when she realised that her whole childhood had been built on a foundation of lies or when she fell in love with him. Yet she'd never let being frightened rule her like he had._  

 _He of course tried to rectify this when they were on_ _Darillium_ _. He was insistent that they_ _both say what they think as opposed to hiding behind masks. He also made sure that he_ _cherished_ _her with affection, time and gifts. That she felt loved. Though he hadn't completely righted the wrong. Though he was absolutely certain that she knew she was loved, he never told her. He told her as much: 'You_ _mean more to me than anyone'; 'you brighten up this dark world' and_ _with_ _other sentimental and soppy spur of the moment statements. But never a simple, 'I love_ _you.'_  

 _T_ _he closest he'd come was when he was about to enter his own time stream. He had not planned to reveal that he knew she was there anytime soon. He had hoped that eventually_ _s_ _he'd grow disappointed and bored and abandon him._  

 _Yet as she tried to slap him, instinct kicked in and he grabbed her wrist to stop her. He remembered all too well how much her slaps stung his face. He did not_ _want to be red checked and in sheer agony for weeks! However, he found that merely touching her burnt h_ _is_ _skin burnt._ _Though she wasn't alive,  just being around her was as electrifying and intense as usual._ _He quickly let go but her hand remained mid air._  

 _"How are you even doing that? I'm not really here," she said shocked. As he_ _stared into her beautiful face,_ _he could feel his hearts breaking. His hearts that had already been patched up and restructured. River Song was breaking them all over again._  

 _"You are always here to me. And I always listen and I can always see you," He admitted stoically._ _Honest words, leaping out of his mouth – that did not happen usually when it came to River Song._  

 _"Then why didn't you speak to me?"_  

 _"Because I thought it would hurt too much," He admitted._  

 _"I believed I could have coped." On a normal day, the Doctor would have smiled. His dead wife looked so alive. Her eyes for a second were fierce like_ _electricity and her features were momentarily sharpened._  

 _"No, I thought it would hurt me. And I was right," He continue_ _d. He wanted then more than ever to tell her that he loved her. However, he couldn't quite find the words that he so desperately needed to say. Instead, he_ _willed himself to speak through actions. Before consciously acknowledgement, he was_ _kissing her. He let go, slightly dazed even though there was no hint of hallucinogenic lipstick on her lips. He felt renewed. Somehow lighter, despite the gravity of the situation that had unfolded around him. It was unfathomable how mere contact with River Song could have such potent effects._  

 _He looked into her beautiful eyes. Despite the tears running down her cheek, he'd never seen her look more happy. He knew then, that she understood what he hadn't put into words and what he'd never previously came close to expressing._  

 

He uses the vortex manipulator to return to his TARDIS. He cautiously places the vortex manipulator back in his box of River's things. After he left from Darillium, he was absolutely heart broken and tender. He drank alcohol – he'd heard tales that it made humans feel better and he felt more human in his loss than ever. After an awful throbbing and banging in his head the next morning, the Doctor decided that alcohol was not the way to drown his sorrows. Instead he took to scouring the TARDIS for River's stuff. He was surprised to find that she left few personal belongings in the TARDIS. Even in their room, where he was absolutely convinced would be piled with all her ridiculously high heeled shoes and pretty dresses, were devoid of her belongings. He suspected that the TARDIS was responsible for this. All he could managed to find was: a vortex manipulator; a lacey bra (which his blushed profusely about); a finished lipstick tube and the first draft of 'Melody Malone,'  He treated all he could find with such reverence and cautiousness that one would think that he was hiding jewels or gold in the box. 

"Old girl," he says wearily. She hums a sad tune as if to say 'I feel your pain.' He strokes the console and tries muster a smile that looks more like a grimace. "Take me to River,"  

 

* 

 

He shudders as he enters the library. The place that haunts his nightmares. The place where he lost someone so special without even realise. He looks around to see all the people around him. They are people reading and whispering. People smiling and laughing. People with their loved ones. He scowls at everyone who attempts to make eye contact with him and 'accidentally' barges into anyone who is in his vicinity. He knows very well that it is not their faults that River died. However it greatly annoys him that all those people get to walk around, without being hunted by the Vastha Nerada because of River's sacrifice.  

The Doctor is a man on a mission. He is not in the library to linger. Not there to stay any longer than he has to. Who would want to stay in a place so haunted with horrible memories? First of all, he goes to where he left River's diary. He knows that it has been one hundred years since his tenth regeneration was there. However, he is certain that her diary still lies there as certain as he is that he has two hearts. Her diary now has a thick coat of dust. However, it it still the same. Holding her diary feels taboo even though he has lived through everything that she has written. Even though the blue book no longer holds spoilers but history instead. He doesn't dare open it or take a look at just how she interpreted all their moments. Curiosity does not burn him as much as it did his tenth regeneration.  

Now, in quick strides, he goes to where she died. Quick strides because he does not want to give himself the time to think or process what he is doing. He finally arrived to the place where she died and he feels like throwing up. He feels the intense urge to run away like he always does. He heaves in heavy breathes of air but it feels more like cement in his lungs. He thought he could handle coming back. He thought he could do it – that he'd be able to push aside all his fear and guilt and sadness, to honour his wife. However, he knows that it is only a matter of seconds before he turns around and gets the hell out of there.  

He looks to the spot where his wife dies and cannot help but feel bitterness and self loathe swirl inside of him. It should have been him! He should pulled at the handcuffs until he was free of them and he should have swapped places with her.  

 

 _He knew that he had to tell River Song his name;_ _she had to know his name before the library because she told him his name to make his younger and stupider self to trust her._ _However, he_ _indul_ _ged in the thought that the longer he took to tell her his name, then the more time that they would have together._ _However in practical, he found that life didn't work that way. River Son_ _g who was oblivious to her fate and the implications of him revealing his secret,_ _badgered_ _him. 'Don't you trust me?' She would ask; her lips curved into her usual sultry smile but her eyes cold as stone. It always made his hearts aches because he'd want to tell her so badly just to prove that he was invested in their relationship, but he could not bring himself to do so. He was greedy and selfish and he wanted her. So even if she was temporarily unhappy by his reluctance to tell her, in the grand scheme of things, he was doing right by the both of them._  

 _They had managed to hit_ _Darillium_ _without him telling her. By then, he was certain that whenever he told her would not matter at all. They'd have just the same amount of time regardless. Even still, he was stubborn and stout and held onto his secret as if it were a lifeline._  

 _He eventually told her one hundred days in. They had had their first argument. River had made a joke in passing – that it was good to finally feel like an equal to him. He had been rather grumpy on the particular day and so rolled his eyes and sarcastically said 'nice to know.' He was not_ _particul_ _arly_ _angry at her or her statement – he was furious with himself. Furious because he knew that River Song's jokes were laced with the truth. Her laughs were harsh however sultry they sounded. Her eyes were sad however happy she seemed. Though they had had a fantastic time on_ _Darillium_ _so far didn’t mean that her memory was impaired and that the past had not happened. It did not mean that he was excused._  

 _River, instead of hiding the damaged, let him see the cracks. She told him – or rather more screamed – about all the_ _times he'd left her feeling insignificant and pathetic Being the absolute genius he is, the Doctor dug himself holes but not sitting still and listening and by the end of the evening, both of their bloods were boiling hot with anger._  

 _Quickly, however, he swallowed his own pride and instead of apologising, he placed his palm on the small of her back. She recoiled violently, like an animal withdrawing from imminent danger. However, he knew her well enough to know that she was trying to stay angry. She knew how easy it was to succumb to his touch and submit. The next time, he placed his arms around her waist. He never usually initiated contact but found that despite this, he felt at ease with River. She_ _visibly_ _tried to resist his touch, but her attempts were fruitless. After two minutes, she melted into him and sniffed._  

 _"You're an idiot,"_  

 _"An idiot in a box," he replied._  

 _She laughed bluntly and he kissed her forehead before telling her his name._  

 

Instead of leaving, the Doctor soldiers on. He closes his eyes firmly – he doesn't want to see anymore because he has seen so much horror with his old eyes.  

"River, I am sorry. I have failed you." He breathes. "I have let you think that you are not wanted. I let you die. I left you like a book on a bookshelf. I was never good with love... because that is what this is. I have tried to evade it. I have tried to lie to myself. To you. But I do... I .. I … I love you, you stubborn woman," He declares. He finally opens his eyes and looks down to her diary in his hands. "I wish... I wish I had the guts to actually tell you that,"  

"I knew I was loved, even though you didn't say it in those exact words. It is ironic the way it works with us Doctor. I didn't feel worthy of your love. After all, you were the mighty Doctor. Yet you didn't feel worthy of my love. Worried that you didn't treat me well enough. I think we both ought to abandon those ideas," 

He turns around, scarcely believing himself. That is... is he hallucinating? His hearts jump in anticipation.... he once told Rory that he'd seen no prove for a miracle and he would have went on to tell him that he didn't believe in miracles. That they were fabrications of misjudgement and bemusement. However, he will now happily abandon that thought and hope that he is to witness a miracle.  

"River?" He asks, his voice raspy and pleading.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so little cliffhanger. 
> 
> Is is the data ghost or had River somehow saved herself? Or is he indeed hallucinating?


End file.
